Nick James!

Huh?

2005-10-09T20:54:00.000-05:00

It bothers me when people say "Okay you keep telling yourself that."

If they had told themslves that, you wouldn't have heard it! They told you that! Stop being so fucking inconsiderate!

Love,
Nick Jaymes

LAY DOWN A SWEET RIFF

2005-09-28T21:29:00.000-05:00

I want to be the guy who plays all the little guitar jingles for the commercials on TV. When you watch TV, and you watch Family Guy or Guiding Light or the fucking OC or whatever it is you watch, you always see the commercials. Now, commercials will either have a popular song to go along with them, or some unpictured dude playing the guitar.

It's never an oboe.

It's never a clarinet.

It's DEFINITELY never a bassoon.

It's a guitar. And there are a lot of commercials. I can do simple math and my initial calculations have lead me to one conclusion:

$$$

If you know anyone I can talk to about this career goal of mine, please tell me. Thank you very much and Happy Yom Kippur!

Love,
Nick Jaymes

Hello America

2005-09-22T18:09:00.000-05:00

Life is beautiful. Life is wonderful.

My life is like a thousand blossoming cherry flowers in the month of May.

It is like a sun setting on a lake full of sailboats and dolphins that jump miraculously over the sailboats.

It is like a gorilla family sitting in one of those monster-ass gorilla mountain hideouts eating fresh green grass and also spiders/maggots off of each other.

It is like the day the music died except not because that's horrible.

It is like wearing your favorite pair of pants and them never getting dirty and they also fit perfectly even if you get fatter or thinner.

It is like waking up and thinking you have to pour yourself a bowl of cold cereal and instead it turns out your mom actually baked danishes for breakfast.

It is like taking a cold shower after working outside all day in the harsh hot dry summer and then finding out there is lemonade in the refridgerator, if you want it.

Okay, now I want you to go out and find someone actually like that and punch them in the face several times.

Love,
Nick Jaymes

Entertainment

2005-09-07T20:06:00.000-05:00

Recently I went to see fireworks, okay. Fireworks are alright, light explosions, loud noises, etc. It strikes me as something that ostensibly is fun when you're younger, but really is meant to be enjoyed whilst tripping on about 35 micrograms of acid.

Anyway, that wasn't the highlight (lol get it light) of the night. The highlight of the night was what one little kid asked his mother:

"Is your honeymoon where you go to the moon and eat honey?"

He didn't even ask in one of those stereotypical, little kid inquiry voices. This was a straight up question. After I was done laughing, I cried because it was so beautiful to me.

And then I realized something (Warning: This entry now becomes very boring while I ruin it with my opinion and sentiment. If you want to perserve its goodness, stop reading now): that kid was purely entertaining. In the 2 seconds it took him to say that, he fully entertained me for the night. UNREAL MAN LIKE TOTALLY!

Entertainment is such a mixed bag. We get confused about it constantly. By TV, by friends, by priests, et. al. You will quickly change your 'ideas' about what is entertaining to better suit the popular notion of entertainment around you. The Chapelle Show is a perfect example of this. David Chapelle, was, at one time, America's greatest stand-up comic. It was a very short time, but it was a peak that superceded all other comics. However, people couldn't let him just entertain. They had to make him an establishment, they had to make him a gimmick (What? Okay!) He freaked the fuck out, realized what was actually going on, and quit. And it was because the popular thought that he was entertaining, ceased to allow him to entertain. Instead of giving in to what almost every other popular star does, he threw in the towel. What a waste.

Real entertainment comes from where we don't expect it. It doesn't come from recorded in Burbank in front of a live studio audience. It doesn't come from MTV or Comedy Central (most of the time). It comes in that split second, in that one facial expression, in that one word or phrase or intonation that makes something move from funny to sublime. Half of what really entertained you, you won't even be able to remember, because you were so caught up in it. Real entertainment comes from your friends, from weird people you know; from things people do that aren't meant for you. When it is gone, it is gone in an instant, and you can almost never replicate the affect that you experienced.

Love,
Nick Jaymes

probably the first entry I'm not making up

2005-08-29T17:25:00.000-05:00

Today I got a birthday card from my aunt. She lives really far away and we see each other maybe once every 5 years, just so you don't think she's awful.

It goes like this:

"Happy Birthday!
Have a great birthday etc. and have a good school year (only 2 left*!)"

*This last part is the most important.

I am inclined to write back:

"Dear Aunt Carol, thank you so much for the gift.
Hopefully if I don't fail senior year, it'll be only 1!
Love, Your Nephew"

Love,
Nick Jaymes

Fuck.

2005-08-23T15:10:00.000-05:00

Fuck.

:-(

If genocide was an arcade game

2005-08-15T21:39:00.000-05:00

After you lost all your lives (lol), you'd see the HISCORE screen pop up:

1. JStalin - 60,000,000
2. AHitler - 12,000,000
3. Pol Pot - 1,000,000

Then you'd be like I HAVE TO GET MORE QUARTERS TO PLAY AGAIN!

You sick fuck.

Love,
Nick James

Superman vs. Spiderman?

2005-08-05T16:33:00.000-05:00

Alright, this is a point that has caused much contention in the world of geeks, or at least, as much contention as can be caused in somebody's mom's basement or a trading card expo or whatever the fuck it is you geeks do. Anyways, we will take a look at the facts and then I will offer up some of my own logical arguments at the end.

First we will start off with Superman. Superman, or Clark Kent, is actually an ALIEN FROM ANOTHER PLANET!!! His father, Jor-El II, scientist king of Krypton, jettisoned (read: aborted fetus lol) Clark from the doomed planet to grow up as a fine Midwestern boy, eventually landing a job as a reporter for the Daily Planet. His female of choice is Louis Lane, and he randomly fights monsters and men of evil will (read: Lex Luthor) as they threaten democracy or something.

Spider-Man, on the other hand, is a worthless orphan from the City, living with his Uncle Ben and Aunt Bea. He was pretty much the nerd everyone hates until a trip to a science fair (lol geek), where he was bitten by a RADIOACTIVE SPIDER AND GIVEN ARACHNID POWERS OF THE MOST AMAZING KIND. Eventually he gets a job as a photographer for the Daily Bugle for J. Jonah Jameson, the craziest cigar smoking son of a bitch this side of Manhattan. His female of choice is Mary Jane (yes), although he never seems to pin her down (until about comic book #250, spoiler alert: Mary Jane gets killed), and he fights about every single villian in the City.

Now, most people argue that Superman could handily destroy Spider-Man. But, let's be honest. Superman isn't even a superhero. He's an alien. Any alien that comes to Earth is going to be considered a superhero by that logic, what with their eye lasers and levitating boots. Also he has a MORTAL WEAKNESS, Kryptonite, and virtually no way to counter it.

Spider-Man has his own drawbacks. Even though he is a true superhero. He has a smart ass mouth on him which makes villians want to kill his family. Okay. Also, his ability to move is not as unlimited as Superman's. Spider-Man's super-tensile web slinging ability is limited by the simple physics pendulum equation, T= (mg/L)^(1/2), meaning he cannot stay at the vertical and has a limited choice of both time and path while in the air. It is true that Superman has a cape which could cause some drag in the air, but as everyone knows Cape Basics 101 is an elementary course covered in the first year of superhero school.

Both know the value of publicity, as both work with the media. However, Peter Parker grew up in New York, which makes him the home turf favorite early on. Do you think Spider-Man is going to leave New York to fight Superman? No, of course he isn't, why would you even ask that.

Although Superman seems to be a clear winner, with superhuman strength and the ability to fly, he does sort of look like a douche. And he's a DC Comics character. Spider-Man, the street-smart, wise-cracking New Yorker would probably make him cry before ever even touching him. I suspect veiled references to Superman's sexual preoccupation with changing in phone booths, as well as degration on the principle of his father aborting him, would come into play.

In conclusion, Spider-Man would beat Superman, although it would be a close match.

Love,
Nick James

OMG Double time

2005-08-02T21:32:00.000-05:00

God is so fucking famous.

Think about it. 4000 years, and he has never had a career change. Never released a bad album. Never got a drug addiction and disappeared from the public face.

People keep building huge ass buildings about him, writing shit about him, making artwork about him. Music, clothes.

People have fucking WARS over him. Nobody ever had a war over Tom Cruise or Britney Spears.

This dude is FAY-MOUS.

His mansion isn't in Beverly Hills or the Hamptons. He's like "Oh, come by, I'm at Heaven. Bring some 40s, too."

Can you imagine how badass of a party that would be? Holy shit.

God is so famous it's like famous is not famous.

Love,
Nick James

Yo ho ho

2005-08-02T19:16:00.000-05:00

If you don't want to drive (read: ferry yourself) to school in Venice, what do you do?

Say you live a block or two from school. Do you swim? Don't your books get wet? How about your clothes? Hair do?

Do you have to leave an hour earlier so you can dry off and get stylish again? Does the school even have those kind of facilities?

Not everyone in Venice is going to own a boat. There have to be poor people, too. Or people that just don't want to waste the... gas?

Somebody please find this out.

Love,
Nick James

Waffle Vision

2005-08-01T10:40:00.000-05:00

Why isn't anybody named Martha anymore.

How about Myrtle? Or Marge? Or Edith?

I don't think names have expiration dates or limited warranties.

How about names that become taboo?

You can't name your kid Adolf anymore. Unless you belong to that kind of a club.

You wouldn't name your kid Charles Manson Smith. Back then it would have been a fine name, now it's kind of iffy.

How about George Corley Wallace? Ted Bundy? SATAN!?!

So many perfectly fine names being wasted.

Love,
Nick James

Sunshine

2005-07-30T17:35:00.000-05:00

Whenever winter is over (yes I realized winter ended like 10 years ago global warming omgomgomg), everyone always says "Finally the sun is out."

The sun was always out. Just because you don't decide to go fucking tanning in February doesn't mean it went anywhere. It just meant that you decided to start giving a shit that it was out again.

Love,
Nick James

Whoops

2005-07-29T21:13:00.000-05:00

How do you discuss serious business at the clown union board meetings.

And by serious business, I do not mean looking at my flower. No, look closer.

Love,
Nick James

15!

2005-07-25T13:53:00.000-05:00

It has been 15 days since I last updated and also no it is not my 15th birthday.

A lot of stuff happened but that would require me to tell you about it which would take a lot of time and effort and it's the effort what gets me.

However, I did manage to update my realtime internets cyber journal every day for 61 days until I decided to disappear from the internet archiving community. I know this caused much debate and controversy on blogspot CNN but all I can offer is my apologies. Also, thanks for not paying my bail. :-(

The only other thing I can think of that is important that happened to me was I am now an amputee. Well okay, that didn't happen to me but if it did it would be important.

How is it a UFO if you've identified it as a UFO? I think it is more true to the idea of a UFO if you see it and start pissing yourself screaming "OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

Okay.

Love,
Nick James

Here is an exciting list

2005-07-10T20:16:00.000-05:00

of things that happened to me today that were interesting.

1. Touched a baby (the mother knew and was okay with it this time!)
2. Sat on a rock
3. Almost was eaten by a bug
4. Almost ate the bug that tried to eat me
5. Entered into peace negotiations with the bug

Now you know my life is so interesting!

Love,
Nick James

What the fuck

2005-07-10T20:14:00.000-05:00

Actually, nothing really happened that should make me say that.

Also went grocery shopping. Did you know there is such a thing as a grocery store? Where you can buy food? I thought food came miraculously from my fridge, or in the case of meals, from my mother standing over the stove and doing whatever sort of magic that mothers do to feed me.

Who knew?

Love,
Nick James

Yip ee

2005-07-08T15:00:00.000-05:00

Today was so much fun with rain, Driver's Ed, people being pissed, etc.

If you actually enjoy what you are doing, are actually doing it for yourself, and not trying to reach some vague sort of standard of success that society has set up for you, um, congratulations. You're one step ahead. You figured it out. Sort of.

Love,
Nick James

7 7 !

2005-07-07T10:56:00.000-05:00

College mail, okay, this is pretty wild. For the past 1.4 years my mailbox has been regularly inundated with shit from colleges about APPLY HERE K.

Also it is monsooning forever, I think I live in the jungle on accident.

Love,
Nick James

oh em gee

2005-07-06T10:53:00.000-05:00

Today was Driver's Ed again (every day) but this time class. Woo boy, lots of fun.

Also applied for a job perhaps I will get one and with my new found money I will live out the American Dream of advancement of self and perhaps some day live in a mansion all the while thanking God for letting me live in America where it is possible to apply for a job GOD BLESS AMERICA.

Also guitared for about 2 hours. Okay.

Love,
Nick James

...

2005-07-04T23:31:00.000-05:00

driver's ed

rehearsal

wow it's like a fucking grocery list of fun

Love,
Nick James

I actually posted this today

2005-07-04T15:41:00.000-05:00

You know, as opposed to retroactively updating my journal like I do almost all the time.

And you thought I sat down and wrote these things regularly!

Love,
Nick James

Get a Job

2005-07-03T15:39:00.000-05:00

Today I did almost absolutely nothing barring the fact that I set the table for dinner.

I figure if I increase effort by 30% profits will almost double in the fourth quarter.

Love,
Nick James

Beep beep

2005-07-02T15:36:00.000-05:00

Today I went driving. Notable happenings were:

Almost hitting a pedestrian
Almost hitting a car pulling out of a parking spot (RIGHT OF WAY BITCH)
Rolling through an intersection and by a stop sign
Hitting the soft shoulder and almost crashing into a guard rail

But I can K-Turn and parallel park!

Driver's Ed Summer 2005

Love,
Nick James

DOWNTOWN

2005-07-01T15:30:00.000-05:00

Went and got the el cheapo black strap for my guitar.

Also was propositioned by a bum for a generous donation (0.50 US) to his homeless fund.

CMP sundaes are surprisingly good.

Love,
Nick James

Hey!

2005-06-30T22:09:00.000-05:00

It was really hot today but I still had a good day.

Here is evidence of the good day:

:-)

Clearly such a display of happiness can only lead to one logical conclusion: the killer was a man!

Love,
Nick James

Woo

2005-06-29T22:55:00.000-05:00

Today was a continuation of cool.

Also, thank you.

Love,
Nick James

lol

2005-06-28T22:54:00.000-05:00

Today was cool. I am putting a star here so I don't forget.

*

Love,
Nick James

Air Conditioners?

2005-06-27T22:50:00.000-05:00

Okay so 21st century? Lately it has been hot as hell, so I guess my house must turn into a deadly cyborg (with climate control).

Love,
Nick James

26

2005-06-26T22:44:00.000-05:00

OMG catch-up is still a fun game to play!

Love,
Nick James

25

2005-06-25T22:43:00.000-05:00

I'm playing catch up!

Love,
Nick James

Hey

2005-06-24T22:09:00.000-05:00

Also boring. Great.

Love,
Nick James

???

2005-06-23T22:08:00.000-05:00

Boring.

Love,
Nick James

End of the Line

2005-06-22T22:24:00.000-05:00

Today was a pretty beautiful day outside today, except it was diminished by the incredibly craptasticular (tasticular, eh?) Physics test, which was about as hard as breathing. I fell asleep/thought about something else half of the time. Also, did nothing all day today except read a book which made me even more tired.

Love,
Nick James

Oh no

2005-06-21T22:21:00.000-05:00

Today was American History as well as learning how to walk in a knot. Very really boring, actually.

Hey summer is fun u guyz lol.

Love,
Nick James

PROPANE

2005-06-20T15:07:00.000-05:00

So today I had to stay up for ten years until the propane folks came to install a new tank. Then they took another twenty years doing it. Then this old guy who probably is a VFW checked all the propane appliances in the house, NO THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PROPANE APPLIANCE I MEANT APPLIANCES THAT RUN OFF THE PROPANE GOD.

Mowed the top lawn except it took 2.3 hours and was like a dogfight with thousands of bugs flying into my face, eyes, lower intestine, etc. I still managed, but I'd say they got the best of me.

So I guess today's theme is war nostalgia and possibly military fatigues if I had to relate it to fashion.

Love,
Nick James

Clean?

2005-06-19T15:06:00.000-05:00

Today was a good day. Also, Godfather II. Also, good.

Love,
Nick James

Wowee2!

2005-06-18T15:03:00.001-05:00

Almost rained today. This would have been good for aquatic animals but instead it did not rain.

If you are a fish in a pond, how do you know it is raining.

Love,
Nick James

TODAY

2005-06-16T23:38:00.000-05:00

How about today was not a lot.

Was a complete bum up until the point that I got the mail MAYBE that was 10 calories.

Love,
Nick James

Well

2005-06-16T19:55:00.000-05:00

Today it rained like a thousand plagues visited upon Egypt by the LORD. Also, went to the doctor and apparently I am not broken (for the time being).

Also made fun of our French teacher of the past, who was on the phone:

Us: "We need you at the bat cave! You are the only super hero who can handle a situation like this!"
French: "Uh-huh."
Us: "There is a building on fire full of people! You must assemble a team of the finest superheroes in the land for this catastrophe!"
French: "I don't see why we can't do it tomorrow."

Honest to God, this all happened, and it was all coincidental. Rather funny, if you were there. Or lame like me. :-(

Love,
Nick James

Nothing

2005-06-15T18:00:00.000-05:00

Today, nothing happened. Even when it thought it would, it didn't.

Love,
Nick James

Junior

2005-06-14T14:35:00.000-05:00

Last day of school. Lots of stuff happened like eating whipped cream, getting out of gym make-ups, and everybody feeling guilty at the last minute that I hadn't signed their yearbooks BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T GIVE THEM TO ME LIKE 2-3 WEEKS AGO AND DIDN'T WANT TO FEEL LIKE JERKS AND THAT'S THE ONLY REASON THEY GAVE THEM TO ME TODAY THANKS A LOT GUYS. *rejection*

Threw some shit out and took some shit home. I'd say it was 50-50.

Love,
Nick James

Whoops

2005-06-13T14:35:00.000-05:00

I forgot to go to school today! Oh well. Most of today was basically spent existing which isn't so hard if you don't think about it.

Love,
Nick James

Cooperstown

2005-06-12T14:33:00.000-05:00

So today was spent at the horse show which was a lot of fun except for whiney rich bitches. Also should have worn about 500 spf suncreen because I became a maximum burn victim on this day in history. Oh well!

Love,
Nick James

Sat.

2005-06-11T14:32:00.000-05:00

Today I prepared for tomorrow!

Love,
Nick James

English

2005-06-10T21:51:00.000-05:00

Today was the first day of our three day English party. If anyone wants to come, you are invited. We do a lot of things, like calculator football, playing music, throwing stuff at people, and also writing facts on the blackboard. Even if they aren't facts. So they aren't actually facts at all. So we'r e really not writing facts.

Also continued the heat spell 2005, I will tell you, an ice sheet would be nice right about now. Especially if it had a cool name, like "Glacier". Hey wow imagine that, pretty good eh?

Love,
Nick James

What

2005-06-09T22:00:00.000-05:00

Today was too fucking hot. The reason I didn't choose to live in a greenhouse in South America with the heat on is because I don't want to feel like London broil everytime I take a step.

Also our math teacher complained we were dying from heat stroke, actually it was more like heatstroke +him. Way to fall asleep in math, like half you people in my math class! Ho ho ho, you know you who are.

Love,
Nick James

A lot of stuff

2005-06-08T18:43:00.000-05:00

Today was the official presentation day 2005. Any presentation ever presented was actually presented today. It was fun but there were about 10x less doughnuts then there should have been.

Also drew pictures of meat all over a vegetarian's agenda, with the encouraging slogan: MEAT IS GOOD.

Disagreed with my English class when I said I envisioned myself as a railroad hobo, because regular hobos don't have any class.

some smartass: "Why do railroad hobos have class?"
me : "Because they are too classy to walk around like regular hobos."

Love,
Nick James

Tuesday?

2005-06-07T18:41:00.000-05:00

"I said a few select words about a few select people that I shouldn't have selected."

"You're supposed to do the things you're supposed to do."

Love,
Nick James

Sunday

2005-06-05T16:23:00.000-05:00

FIVE HOUR DRIVING COURSE. It was really interesting except for the boring ass parts that sucked. The guy teaching it was hilarious. Other parts weren't, I probably wanted to be doing something else.

Concert was cool.

Yardwork was NOT. Some bee shit flew at me about fifty times and it made me not want honey anymore except maybe Honey Bunches of Oats because that is the best cereal ever invented thank you Thomas Edison for inventing Honey Bunches of Oats.

Also fell asleep like a narcoleptic. Hey wow what a waste of a Sunday evening!

Love,
Nick James

Here's what I'm thinking.

2005-06-04T22:13:00.000-05:00

It is pretty good to be a man. Here's what you do. If something is not manly, or makes you feel threatened as far as your penis size, you say, "duh, that's gay", or "what a faggot thing to do". If you feel like the power of manhood is slipping from your strong grip you just say that and you're back in the gold.

Don't try to do anything reasonable or compromise. Instead, try sticking to your guns. Remember the key words: "gay" and "fag". If you can insult something with those, you know you're made. Everyone else will sink in awe of your sheer testosteronal power.

Love,
Nick James

Jamerica!

2005-06-03T20:10:00.000-05:00

Today our English teacher got a dose of good old fashioned rap. She was apalled.

Our American History teacher tried to teach but only got so far before we turned it into open season on his lesson. He joined in, and a good time was had by all.

Also took a pilot exam for the State! YAY! I'll tell you, pilot exams are about as interesting as watching Beetle Anal 5: Burning the Burrow. Although for animal porn, you don't get much better than that flick, let me tell you!

Love,
Nick James

Okay

2005-06-02T22:59:00.000-05:00

For most of today I slept. But, I was kidnapped! Oh, no!

The rest of the night was spent sleeping. I believe to have been knocked out.

Love,
Nick James

A Treatise on Genius

2005-06-01T19:18:00.000-05:00

There are geniuses who are geniuses because they are so far out in left field that otherwise they would be dead.

There are geniuses whose genius is their condescension, although their real genius is pulling it off.

There are geniuses who, at their best times, may be lukewarm, but are normally locked into the cold solidarity of being a genius.

There are geniuses who aren't geniuses at all, but instead have blown so much smoke up their own ass, as well as had smoke blown up their ass, that they are often regarded as geniuses at the absurd height they occupy. This may be to compensate for their actual height, but this is uncertain.

There are geniuses who aren't geniuses at all, but instead extensions of their parents in flesh and blood. This might border on blasphemy.

There are geniuses who aren't geniuses at all, but sweat so much and so blindly that the finality of their products is easily interpreted as genius.

Love,
Nick James

Two's the Day

2005-05-31T20:24:00.000-05:00

Today was really busy. I got blood taken out of myself! Also ran all around the world, meeting lawyers and financial clerks and musical directors and everyone in between!

Also some kickass boots. I don't know how much ass they've actually kicked, but they are promising.

Love,
Nick James

Memorial Day

2005-05-30T20:40:00.000-05:00

Today was Physics project/5 hour jam session. For those of you that were wondering, E7, A7, B7, A7, E7. Rinse, lather, repeat.

I thought about saying "I don't remember anything that happened today LMAOBUTTS!" But decided it would be too gimmicky. Sorry guys.

Love,
Nick James

Amniotic Fluid for Lunch

2005-05-29T20:36:00.000-05:00

Today we went out to eat and the assholes next to us kept saying how they were aficiondos of world cuisine and also talking about pregnancy/amniotic fluid? Yes obviously cultured people talk about vagina lubricant in a public dining situation, you fuckwits.

Then we walked all over because we needed to find a payphone! I mowed the lawn today, but not the payphones.

Love,
Nick James

Wow Today

2005-05-28T23:49:00.000-05:00

Today was Wagner's. Lemon danishes are pretty good especially because they're lemon danishes.

Moved back to Cortland today and beat the rain! But got it when we came back, holy shit it was pelting down.

Also slept today because I think I have gangrene.

Love,
Nick James

Pirates!

2005-05-27T23:44:00.000-05:00

Today I was kidnapped holy shit!!!

It was a lot of fun though.

Also I navigated Rt. 17 which is NOT an easy task, please do not do this with your stomach full, you will be in over your head.

Love,
Nick James

The Lord Helps Those Who Help Themselves Who Help Those Who Help Themselves

2005-05-26T20:58:00.000-05:00

Today was not spent at school, and so it was a right good day.

There sure were a lot of things to be done, like everything. Everything sure is a lot of things!

It was productive, but since I've only done that maybe once or twice in my life, I was so tired I ended up taking about a 3 hour nap. I won't tell you where I took it, becuase that would be indecent of me.

Also: girls at diners please stop checking me out when I'm trying to eat okay thanks bye.

Love,
Nick James

Wednesday

2005-05-25T20:16:00.000-05:00

Today was the clash of the titans on Jeopardy.

The question was: Tuesday, named after the god Tiu, who was the son of this god.

"Odin!" I said. Take that, Ken Jennings. Alex agreed and forwarded me 10k in cash dollars.

But seriously, today was generally gray and wet like any solid day around here. We made indecent comments about Mia Farrow and Robert Redford in English today, where we watched 'The Great Gatsby'. It was about as fun as nothing until we transformed it into Mystery English Theater 3000. Our teacher even joined in!

Also, here is a poem I wrote, inappropriately entitled, "Prostitution in A Minor":

"Prostitution in A Minor"

You sick fuck.
Why would you ever read about the prostitution of a minor?
That's illegal.
I hope you end up in jail.

~
Love,
Nick James

Here Are Some Things To Consider

2005-05-24T17:23:00.000-05:00

An Orthodox Jew stranded on an abandoned island which is a pig farm.

A guy allergic to bees who works in a flower shop.

A guy allergic to pollen who works in a flower shop.

A guy allergic to flower shops who works in a flower shop.

Frankenstein doing the Electric Slide.

A bear so rich and smitten he can buy three sizes of everything to seduce young girls into his domicile.

These are just some things that really make you think twice about what you've done with your life. Or maybe what other people have done with your life.

Love,
Nick James

Flowers

2005-05-23T12:00:00.000-05:00

This post recorded at 1:00 PM becuase 1 is slightly less cool than high noon but still denotes importance.

Today was a very flower day. I don't mean that in a bad way. For flowers, let's pick primrose, daisies, and tulips.

We watched a Viet Nam (Dear America if you give a shit) flick today in History, that was pretty badass. Viet Nam went like this: if you moved, you were shot at; if you were nineteen, you were killed. How about that for fun after high school? Is it really worth stressing out about AP classes a.ka. THE FUTURE TODAY if you're eventually going to get your fucking brains blown out anyway? Cool.

Even though that's a bit morbid, and you're like "how does Viet Nam have anything to do with flowers," well shut the fuck up and I'll tell you. During the movie, some guy was talking about how he saw a red flower and it was the first plant he had seen without thorns. So I mean did I call today or what?

Love,
Nick James

I did nothing today

2005-05-22T16:05:00.000-05:00

Other than killing my cat this was a pretty boring day. I also wrote my English paper, with the fervent prayer that my teacher won't realize it took me about 1 hour. If she does, I'm pretty screwed.

And this time I'm serious.

Love,
Nick James

It rained today

2005-05-21T16:03:00.000-05:00

Took Mel mini-golfing. There were lots of rainbows and basically rain. I can eat Joey's Pizza because I don't die when I eat it! Found some weird-ass ice cream place in Endwell and gave it a shot. After that failed to destroy the structural mainframe, decided to give it a few more shots. Tried to go to Mel's old church but it was locked. God must have wanted some privacy... maybe Mrs. God was in town?

Love,
Nick James

Friday!

2005-05-20T16:00:00.000-05:00

Honors Banquet at the school. We were congratulated for being huge dorks, although Mel and I goofed off the entire time. Also, I ate about 5 tonnes of vegetables. The guy behind me was pretty pissed off, but hey, it was another cheese incident.

Threw a half eaten potato down a sewer drain. Tried to make a paper airplane out of my Honors certificate, and my mom said how much of a disappointment I was. Thanks, Mom!

Love,
Nick James

Math

2005-05-19T11:29:00.000-05:00

Today we did induction in Math and I got yelled at for reading a book instead of doing homework. Now, unless you're severely retarded or dead, induction should only take you about five seconds. I thought it was completely uncalled for and made sure to register a complaint with the Better Business Bureau.

Love,
Nick James

Spiriti Sanctum

2005-05-18T22:00:00.000-05:00

Today I was confirmed into the Holy Roman, Catholic, and Apostolic Church.

The bishop complained during the reception that he was "hotter than hell". I'm pretty sure this means the LORD condones my vulgarity. Far out!

When we got home, my parents confessed that they had gotten me a guitar as a gift. That is pretty kickass.

Love,
Nick James

Tuesday?

2005-05-17T15:53:00.000-05:00

???

Mondays

2005-05-16T15:50:00.001-05:00

Today I read a book all day in school when I should have been learning. Also, first rehearsal. Sang and met some people. I don't know how they took it.

Love,
Nick James

I forget what happened today

2005-05-15T12:38:00.000-05:00

This is going to happen a lot.

Promathon, Too!

2005-05-14T03:00:00.000-05:00

At about this time I was getting the hell out of school. Mel and I dominated the trivia tables until our tragic demise. Other than that you could play Plinko or be tired and bored.

Lots of people won prizes, but get this. As soon as you got to After-Prom, you spent the next .5 hours filling out raffle tickets. HEY THAT'S FUN! If someone invited you to a birthday party and handed you a ream of raffle tickets, I hope you'd have the good taste to leave. As it was, we were on a mission: protect the US Ambassador and his wife. I hope they are O.K. because we spent a lot of time just dicking around and making fun of people.

Then we went back home and slept. I probably rolled over a few times or something, but can't be sure: I was asleep.

Love,
Nick James

Promathon

2005-05-13T22:59:00.001-05:00

If this were actually the time I was posting this, then I'd have been at the CHENANGO FORKS 2005 JUNIOR/SENIOR PROM. I bet you wonder what I did there! Well that is none of your goddamn business. But I will tell you anyways, just please please keep my daughter safe I love her very much.

First, we ate dinner. We at at this swanky café where I could eat nothing. I have a fatal allergy to cheese/kryptonite that causes me to die, which is why I called it a fatal allergy. Keep the fuck up! They had cheese everything. Seriously, you had to piss on a urinal cake made of cheese because I think by mistake we went to a cheese factory for dinner. Me and my chum had espressos while the ladies used the facilities. Espressos are what people richer than you drink. Or faggots, as my chum pointed out.

Then, we had to walk merely half a block to the hotel where prom was. Actually there was a ballroom in the hotel, and that's where it was. Think Ukranian baby dolls. You knew it was a CF prom because half the people were dancing on the carpet when there was a PARQUET WOOD DANCE FLOOR JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS. We danced and danced forever before sacrificing a virgin to our god, Kuekomek. This brought some mixed reviews but generally it was well recieved. Overall, we enjoyed ourselves.

On the way back to my chum's automotor, we were accosted by some city locale. I think they were upset about being on welfare and so they almost decided to kill us and rob our wallets. It was pretty scary, but then we remembered that together our powers are, Captain Planet. This helped us fight a tactical retreat to better grounds...

TO BE CONTINUED

I have no idea what happened today!

2005-05-12T22:59:00.000-05:00

Because of acute narcolepsy and ear wart syndrome, I have lost any and all recollection of what actually happened today. However, this will not stop me from making up something that happened.

Today I will say that I got into a fight. And it wasn't just a normal schoolyard fight, no chums, today, the stakes were higher. This big mean old fat kid, Billy, threw a chocolate milk at my nerdy friend. Now, no offense to my friend, but his glasses are about magnification 3000. This kid seriously is like nerdus maximus. Nevertheless, he is my friend, and this could not stand. What made matters worse is that he is allergic to chocolate, so he had instant hives. Convulsing in histimenic horror, it was up to me to defend his honor.

"You think you're funny, punk!?" I said to Billy, daringly. He flexed his muscles in the affirmative. That's when I knew the jig was up, the cover was blown, the stakes were claimed, and other such nonsense precluding the climax of any good plot line.

He came at me and we fought for about 50 rounds. There was much blood, sweat, and Juicy Juice boxes. In my heart I could still feel the fire of battle, but in my liver I could feel severe contusions. Billy was the local hotshot jock that all the girls loved so much. I was not a girl and I did not love him so much, and I was letting him know that with my relentless and righteous attack.

It finally came to the point where we were falling on each other, completely sore and bruised, two raging beasts finally coralled by their own grit. It was like a great poem written by some guy. We became great friends.

Then, my nerd friend, who had since taken his Epipen, said this: "Hey! What about my honor?"

He was right, of course. I shoved Billy the Jock into a hole, where he is still starving to this day. Then my nerd friend helped me with my math homework.

Not to say that today was boring, but I will definitely do good on my math quiz tomorrow, and any amount of 'math' and 'skill' combined makes you realize how uneventful the day actually was.

Love,
Nick James

Spanglish

2005-05-11T20:57:00.000-05:00

Today was pretty uneventful. After a kid died in the nurse's office, the real excitement began. We got to see the NYSPD DESTRUCTO-TRON, which is basically the cab of truck on a bingo wheel. Trooper Wendy put some rag dolls in it, and hit the switch. That's when they realized they were trapped. The Destructo-Tron went round and round, all the while the rag dolls were screaming for mercy in their quiet, tortured rag doll voices. We watched in horrific silence as Officer Wendy kept laughing and laughing. Then the little rag doll boy fell out of the driver's side window, and the crowd erupted into a cheer. Also, the rag doll parent/kidnapper had its leg sticking out of the window. Okay Trooper Wendy, I've seen some pretty crazy shit in my time, but do you expect me to believe anyone drives like that?

However, the coup de grace was in Pre-Calc. Half of the class came in late because of a Spanish test, and every time a kid came in, they would say "Spanish test". This is either Spanish for "smoking in the bathroom", or a lie, because seriously, if they were taking a Spanish test they would have spoken in Spanish. Anyways, after about the 50th kid, our teacher goes "If everyone spoke English, you wouldn't have to learn Spanish." There were mixed reactions to this, but mostly it was ridiculous. I told my best pal, who sits next to me, that I thought it was a 'white boy' thing to say. I'm not sure if my point got across, because I'm very unfortunately white. Either way, I thought that was a tasteless joke, seeing as how only 150 years ago we finally freed the Spanish from slavery after stealing them from Africa.

Yours Truly,
Nick James

Christening

2005-05-10T22:59:00.000-05:00

This is now my internets journal for the purpose of chronicling my life in a grand, epic saga. Some parts will be in prose, others in poetries; yet others will possibly include interpretive dance segments. But one thing it will be is true. True to me, true to you, tried and true, true or false, true color, all that sort of thing.

A lot of what is included in here will be the subject of horror and wonder. Well, not really, but mostly there will be anecdotes in here from what has happened to me. Except for when my daddy beats my mommy, because she said to keep quiet about that because it doesn't mean daddy doesn't love her.

Please enjoy yourself here, and feel free to forward your comments to comicnick@aol.com. If you leave a sweet message that makes me fall out of my seat because it is so awesome, I might just respond!

Love,
Nick James